Our temperament, our brains, the speed and style of which we all learn, make each of us unique. Add these factors to the past that has moulded us, the people who’ve witnessed – and helped – us grow, how we have loved and been loved, or not, cherished, or not, neglected or abused, a childhood well tended to or accidentally dismissed, and there lays a catalyst for perfect development or a catastrophic disaster waiting to happen. That is, if it hasn’t already.
I don’t have that North Star. Growing up, I didn’t have that significant experience of connection with a grandmother or aunt. My mother resented – resents – me for being a token of him. He wasn’t there. I didn’t – don’t – have that reference to serve of what it is to be seen, to be held, to be nurtured, soothed. No light or warmth of this unapologetic, soothing love. Relationship lenses we look through are orientated to what we know. And I know no more than this. I know my fate and that scares me. I am – we are – doomed to repeat. Mostly, unconsciously. Familiar relationships to complete what was missing from childhood. Recover and cleanse the trauma from years past. It’s a yearning to find wholeness and plug the missing pieces that may not even exist.
I often sit and reflect over my life. How I got to where I am, how things may or may not be different if I had chosen a different route, if I hadn’t have met someone, if I hadn’t been influenced. I often and sit and compare myself to others. Usually colleagues. How do they do it? How can I be better? How can I be less ambivalent and less avoidant?
For the first time in my life, I am on my own. But just because I am single it does not mean I’m not connected. We each have so many different kinds of relationships. Friendship, marriage, being a parent or a sibling, co-workers, parents, one night stands and romantic partnerships. Depending on their dedication and intimacy, there is so much potential for sharing, for love, for respect, for appreciation, for healing. Just because I am on my own doesn’t mean I have to be lonely.